Author Topic: I wish I had told her I loved her too.  (Read 524 times)

Monkey Beast

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I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« on: August 17, 2019, 06:14:13 PM »
Her name was Alex. She was a coworker. She had a ready smile for everyone and an exuberance not unlike that of a child. It felt good to be around her. She had a witty yet sometimes sarcastic tongue. Even if we were from different departments, she was very cooperative and can be counted on to finish tasks efficiently. She was the perfect girl, but she had a boyfriend. And even if she didn't, I couldn't really ask her out because I was going to get married, and my wife-to-be was carrying our firstborn. It's just a crush, I would always tell myself. Even married people can have crushes, right?

One time we were sent together for an out-of-town assignment. We were given three days to complete the task. We finished it on the first day and decided to spend the next two days touring the place since we have not used up all the allowance the company gave us. I don't know if it was the novelty of the town or the fact that I was alone with her in a place where we do not know anyone else, but I felt really close to her. Close enough to hug her... and kiss her. I guess she felt the same way because she kissed me back. We slept together for two nights, but we did not talk about it. Probably because neither of us wanted to break the bubble we were in. It just felt good, you know? I didn't want to ruin it.

The next time I saw her at the office, she wouldn't smile at me. Hardly even looked at me. I had to think of something to get her to talk to me, so I emailed her about an oversight on the report she sent. She apologized, rectified the error and sent the report back. She sent me a text saying, "So we're cool, right?" I replied with, "Yeah, you are cold." She didn't reply. After work, I swung by her cubicle and made up a ruse saying I was interested in the novel she was reading during our trip. Maybe she could lend it to me when she's done? She handed me the book without taking her eyes off her computer monitor. I entered her cubicle, crouched beside her seat, took her face in my hands and kissed her. She pushed me away but not before she kissed me back. "We're in the office," she hissed, "Idiot!"

I smiled as I got up and made my way back to our department. The next weeks at work were full of furtive glances between us, afternoons when we would purposely stay in the office until everyone else had gone home, text exchanges that go along the lines of "Wr r u? I miss u. Cn I hv a kiss? I wnt a hug. Wfey has d fone, dnt txt. Bf wth me nw, bye." Needless to say, we made blissful love whenever we would be sent away together, as we have become the team to beat at work.

On our last trip together she asked me how she could stop. She did not want to completely fall in love with me, she said. I told her not to worry, she was not falling in love. She merely was enjoying what we had, the way I was enjoying it. I knew it hurt her to hear that I didn't feel the same, but I couldn't break. She did not know I was getting emotionally invested in her too, which is why I asked the boss to give me a different project to work on, because Alex was ready to go on her own.

Just like when we started, we did not really talk about us. We both suddenly became very busy. There were fewer texts, less frequent trysts. One day, we just stopped. By the time I got married and my wife gave birth to my boy, Alex and I were merely workmates.

I have two kids now and am living in a different continent. But sometimes I still think about Alex. It pains me that I never got to tell her that I loved her because I effing really did.

GabbiWasHere

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2019, 11:17:19 AM »
Woah this is a really heartfelt post. it's sad too. I feel for you. If I were Alex my heart would break if I read this. Just imagine how you guys could be happy together. But I applaud you for being strong and doing what you did. You saved yourself from a disaster and kept your wife's heart from breaking. Still, it's so sad. Maybe someone should make a movie about this. It's bittersweet.

m4Riii__

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2019, 05:38:58 AM »
Woah this is a really heartfelt post. it's sad too. I feel for you. If I were Alex my heart would break if I read this. Just imagine how you guys could be happy together. But I applaud you for being strong and doing what you did. You saved yourself from a disaster and kept your wife's heart from breaking. Still, it's so sad. Maybe someone should make a movie about this. It's bittersweet.

You're right, Gabbi. It is sad. But I think MB did the right thing. MB and Alex had feelings for each other. It was bad enough that they acted on those feelings. It would have been too much if he admitted it to her. In my opinion, if he did tell her, they would ruin their relationships with their own partners. I'm glad MB did what he did. He saved her and himself from hurting innocent people whose only "crime" was loving them.

I am not usually a judgemental person, but I feel greatly for people who have been cheated on because my dad cheated on my mom. Cheating hurts not just the person one cheats on. It also hurts other people indirectly. Cheating is also the reason I can't commit to a serious relationship. I feel like giving my heart and investing my emotions on someone would just be opening the door to heartbreak.

Lele_045

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2019, 01:56:34 PM »
I didn't know these things happen in real life. I mean like, the way Mr. Beast talked about the girl was so emotional. Like it's them who should be together and not Mr. Beast and his wife now.

I like feel bad that I feel more for Alex than for the wife. I know people cheat, coz my dad left my mom for another woman and I have friends who have been cheated on. But I don't understand why people cheat. Until now. Thanks for like making me see the other side of the story. Maybe I won't be quick to judge cheaters now. i mean I won't condone cheating and I would not cheat if I can help it, but this post has given me an idea of how it is. It's like I'm watching a movie but I know that it's not a movie but a real confession from a real live person.

soap_scum

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2019, 02:06:40 PM »
This is quite long and I wouldn't have read it if it weren't you who wrote it. Now I know why you made that comment on my post. These women - why do they come? Why do they tempt us? Why are they so irresistible? Why is forbidden fruit ever so sweet?

Thanks for enlightening me. It takes a real man to do what you did. But even before I read your story I already have made up my mind about what I will do.

Books

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2019, 04:00:29 PM »
Just curious, OP, and I hope you would humor me with an answer. What do you think would have happened if you did tell her of your feelings? Would she leave her boyfriend and convince you to hie off to the hills, leaving everything behind? Would you have said yes?

The others who commented here say that you're brave for holding back. I say you're a coward who couldn't face his feelings. You broke a part of that girl's heart when you did not give her the satisfaction of knowing that she wasn't just someone you liked playing with. She told you about her fear, and in so doing made it clear that she was starting to invest emotions on you. You could have told her what you feel, that she was special, that she deserved more than the stolen time you had together. Instead, you made her feel that it was all one-sided. That the only thing you wanted from her was physical. Of course, you denied yourself of that feeling - of knowing that she knows you loved her too. It's just sad, man.


charlotte.p13rc3

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2019, 03:03:41 PM »
What a lovely story, dear. Have you considered writing romance novels? This looks like the kind of narratives people would like to read about. You know, not too sappy but still gets the feeling across.

And my, those feelings! Forbidden love just hits a soft spot in my heart, having been a mistress for years and years. Oh how I loved that man. How I still love him. I was perfectly okay being fourth, even fifth priority, but he still left me. Said he couldn't continue without feeling guilty every time he comes home to me. I never asked him to leave his wife, never said an ill word about his kids. I was content knowing that I can have a little chunk of his time, that I occupy a tiny space in his heart.

You must be a lovely man, like my Harris is. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy. His happiness is what matters; it's the only reason I set him free.

Monkey Beast

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #7 on: August 27, 2019, 04:38:11 PM »
Just curious, OP, and I hope you would humor me with an answer. What do you think would have happened if you did tell her of your feelings? Would she leave her boyfriend and convince you to hie off to the hills, leaving everything behind? Would you have said yes?

The others who commented here say that you're brave for holding back. I say you're a coward who couldn't face his feelings. You broke a part of that girl's heart when you did not give her the satisfaction of knowing that she wasn't just someone you liked playing with. She told you about her fear, and in so doing made it clear that she was starting to invest emotions on you. You could have told her what you feel, that she was special, that she deserved more than the stolen time you had together. Instead, you made her feel that it was all one-sided. That the only thing you wanted from her was physical. Of course, you denied yourself of that feeling - of knowing that she knows you loved her too. It's just sad, man.

Honestly, I don't know. She probably wouldn't leave her bf. Or maybe she would. See that's the thing. We never bared ourselves to each other. She knew about my life; how I was with my then gf, how excited I was for my kid, what I thought about work and our boss. But now that I'm thinking about it, I realize she never really shared anything with me. Probably because she was steeling herself from me. Maybe because she didn't want to fall hard. maybe if I knew her better, I would have fallen in love with her more. maybe I would have broken it up with my gf then, too. I don't know.

Everything is maybe's and I don't know's. I admit I hurt her. I hurt myself too. But I still think what we both did - deny ourselves - is all for the best.

Monkey Beast

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Re: I wish I had told her I loved her too.
« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2019, 04:42:06 PM »
What a lovely story, dear. Have you considered writing romance novels? This looks like the kind of narratives people would like to read about. You know, not too sappy but still gets the feeling across.

And my, those feelings! Forbidden love just hits a soft spot in my heart, having been a mistress for years and years. Oh how I loved that man. How I still love him. I was perfectly okay being fourth, even fifth priority, but he still left me. Said he couldn't continue without feeling guilty every time he comes home to me. I never asked him to leave his wife, never said an ill word about his kids. I was content knowing that I can have a little chunk of his time, that I occupy a tiny space in his heart.

You must be a lovely man, like my Harris is. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy. His happiness is what matters; it's the only reason I set him free.

Thank you for your kind words. Forbidden love - which we both experienced - is bittersweet. But at least you were able to tell and show your man how much you loved him. I lost all my chance when I kept quiet. Like you, I just wish her happiness, wherever she is. And I hope that somehow, deep in her heart, she would know that I felt the same way, even if I did not admit it to her. And I hope she forgives me for not doing so.